I love the light and the smells in the fall. After several days of temperatures in the 80’s I woke up to a misty morning in the 50’s today. When we sat talking outside the coffee shop for over an hour, my friends and I began shivering. Shivering means I get to pull out my puffy vest and wear capris. I can grab at the ends of my sweatshirt to cover my fingers. I love all of these details, which will help you appreciate my dilemma.
When I began riding inside on the trainer a few weeks ago my trauma therapist told me I had finally stopped dissociating and had come to terms with reality. I also get questioned by people who genuinely care about me as to whether I should just give up the bike. I can’t properly express what the bike does for me that makes me so unwilling to hang up my blue, light blue, and orange Lazer helmet. Hell, even the helmet makes me happy just because of its colors.
In the last few weeks of talking to people I learned thet Lionel Sanders and Andy Potts only ride the trainer. They seem to race alright…
In the last few weeks I know of two cyclists hit by cars in town that resulted in injuries.
In the last few weeks I found a challenging trainer workout that is still above my fitness level. I can’t even finish the full workout and I’m determined to finish it soon!
Training indoors is great. It is efficient because there are no stoplights and no downhills to coast on. I don’t have to worry about rush hour traffic and my interval watts will be very easy to compare because being on the trainer eliminates other external factors. If I run out of water I can just get off the bike and go to the kitchen sink.
Okay, so I can stay a triathlete and train inside. So what’s the big deal?
I still love days like today and I want as much time outside enjoying the weather as I can. I also don’t want to be watching shitty movies as I ride indoors. So today Kennett rode with me for a brief bit outdoors. I wasn’t scared or traumatized. Instead, I got to practice taking a few fast corners in the aerobars, keeping a low head position, and I got to enjoy time next to the absolute best guy there is.
See, Kennett came home early to ride with me because I wanted to go outside. Yesterday he helped me clean the garage so I could set my bike up on the trainer out there.
I remember a conversation with someone who was also hit by a car after my crash in 2014; we talked on the phone and I told her, “You don’t have to decide whether you will get back on the bike right now. Someday you will get back on the bike and you can always make that decision later.”
I’m definitely not going to stop riding. I love being on my road bike and commute on it daily to the gym and to get groceries. I just still haven’t made my mind up what is best for my triathlon training. Someday I’ll decide. Not today. Today I started on the trainer and ended up riding next to Kennett. Near the end of our ride I made up a story about why Samuel, the roadkill raccoon, committed suicide by running into the road after his girlfriend left him. Laughing about cars hitting animals. My trauma therapist will probably say I’m back to dissociating again.